Holding Back
by Revhead
Summary: Arthur has no idea how much Merlin is holding back. If he did, he might think twice about throwing goblets at his head. CHAPTER TWO NOW POSTED. If you wanted to know what would happen "If he did..." now is your chance to find out. Merlin isn't holding back any longer...
1. Holding Back

**Holding Back**

Arthur has no idea.

He insults, he belittles, he mocks.

There are times when it is in jest, and believes it to be humorous, harmless fun.

Other times he is reverting to his old nature, filled to the brim with arrogance and an overactive sense of self-importance that comes from being born and raised as royalty.

Sometimes he is angry or frustrated and needs a way to vent before he must leave his chambers to face the outside world.

There are days where he is too tired and too grumpy to do anything else.

Occasionally, it is his way of expressing affection without actually appearing to do so.

It can be a result of relief, resignation, annoyance, aggravation, boredom, brashness, embarrassment, egotism.

It is almost always Merlin's fault, whatever the cause or underlying reason.

Sometimes there is no reason for it at all.

Arthur will glare at him, shout at him, threaten him. He will throw things, anything that is at hand in the moment – clothes, water, goblets, jugs, weapons.

He will tear him down, time and time again.

He knows Merlin can take it.

Merlin holds up his end well. He returns the barbs, counters the insults, and is not afraid to attempt to take him down a notch or two. Arthur believes his wit is greater than his intelligence, and it entertains him to have such an irreverent servant. Merlin remains irrepressibly happy, quick with smiles, persistent with advice, and loyal almost to a fault. He manages all the chores set for him, however incompetently, and he puts up with all the moods and actions of his master with both patience and strength.

Arthur can get away with almost anything. He can treat his manservant however he wishes, and there is nothing that Merlin could or would dare to do about it.

He goes too far sometimes, but hardly notices, and never fears.

But he has no idea.

No idea that, when the goblet narrowly misses Merlin's head, the young warlock could without effort or gesture send it whizzing back at him and hit the target square on.

No idea that, when Merlin is crumbling beneath the weight of his blows during training, the young warlock could inflict on him a far more bloody beating without ever lifting a finger.

No idea that, when he yells for his servant to get out or to leave him be, the young warlock could decide to abandon him as vulnerable to dangers he could never comprehend.

No idea that, when he threatens him with words or at the end of a blade, the young warlock could cause him to drop dead where he stood.

No idea that, when he insults him and calls him names, the young warlock could bedazzle him with enormously powerful displays of magic and prove him not only wrong but woefully ignorant and foolish.

No idea how truly dangerous it is for him to treat his servant the way he does.

No idea how much Merlin is holding back, always and constantly.

He believes he is safe.

And he is safe.

Because, even if he has no idea who his servant truly is, and cannot even begin to imagine how much power his servant commands, Merlin will never hurt him.

Arthur has no idea just how lucky he is to have Merlin in his life.

No idea what an honour and privilege it is to be served so humbly by the most powerful warlock to have ever been born.

No idea how incredible it is that he, a mere prince, has the steadfast loyalty of the one named in prophecy as Emrys.

No idea how many times his life, his friends and his kingdom have been saved by this unassuming servant.

No idea how much Merlin cares about him, or the lengths to which he will go to protect him.

No idea that Merlin could rule the world, but is honest when he says he is happy to serve Arthur until the day he dies.

No idea that Merlin would lay down his life for him in a heartbeat, and has been fully prepared to do so more than once.

No idea of the depth of Merlin's forbearance in all of their interactions.

He is fond of Merlin, and comes to think of him as a friend even if he will only rarely express such a sentiment out loud. But all the while, he believes that Merlin is just a peasant, just a servant, just a bit of a clumsy idiot who is always getting himself into trouble and is lucky to have Arthur around to look after him.

He has absolutely no idea.

If he did...


	2. If He Did

**If He Did**

The golden glow faded from Merlin's eyes and, slowly, trying to seem as unthreatening as possible, he lowered his arm. He had wielded powerful magic to save the life of his King, as he had many times before.

But this time was different.

This time Arthur had seen. This time Arthur knew.

Merlin waited with bated breath for his King's reaction. This had been a long time coming. He had both longed for and feared this day. Now that it was upon him, he wondered if he was ready. He wondered if Arthur was ready.

"_Traitor_," Arthur hissed.

Merlin stiffened. "I saved your life, sire."

"You used magic."

Merlin raised his chin and met Arthur's hostile glare with a level gaze. "Yes, I did. Not for the first time, either. You have no idea how many times I have had to use magic to save your royal backside."

Arthur's hand went to the pommel of his sword. "Magic is forbidden."

"You're lucky I'm not afraid to bend the rules, then."

"You're a sorcerer."

"Actually I'm a warlock. I was born with magic."

"You lied to me."

"For your own good."

"_No!_ You have betrayed me!"

The words stung, but Merlin tried to stay calm. "Never, Arthur."

"I _trusted_ you! I called you my friend!"

"I am your friend."

"No. No, you are a liar and a traitor to the crown! After everything I have done for you, I cannot believe you would betray me in this way. I thought you were a good man, Merlin. Clearly I was wrong."

Rage built up within him. Arthur had no right to speak to him like that. Arthur had no right to look at him that way, like he was the scum beneath his shoe. Merlin might be known to the world as a mere servant, but he was _Emrys._ He was magic and power and might masquerading as a serving boy, and he deserved recognition. More than that, he deserved _respect. _

Years of pent up hurt and anger and secrets and lies bubbled up inside of him until he could contain it no longer.

"You have _no idea_ what it is like!" Merlin yelled.

Arthur stumbled back, wide-eyed with shock.

"I am the most powerful warlock to have ever lived, and I've been living as a servant! I have scrubbed your floors and mucked out your stables, I have lugged water for your baths and served your meals, I have washed your clothes and mended your armour, and all the while I have put up with being treated like a bumbling idiot!

"Do you have _any_ idea what it is like to have more power than any man you have ever known, but to be forced to play the fool? To be overlooked and to have your every deed go unnoticed? I have saved your life more times than I can count, and not _once_ have I ever heard you say thank you. I have watched others claim credit for the things _I _have done, you most of all! _I _saved Camelot from the Griffin. _I _healed you from the bite of the Questing Beast. _I _stopped Nimueh. _I_ defeated the sorcerer Sigan. _I_ destroyed the Knights of Medrir. _I _saved Camelot from the Great Dragon. _I _vanquished the skeleton soldiers and single-handedly turned the tide of the battle when Camelot was besieged. _I _destroyed Cenred's undead army! It was _me,_ Arthur, _always_ me, and you dismissed my victories as blind luck or credited the work to others.

"You have mocked and belittled me! You have thrown goblets at my head and battered me in weapons practice. At best, you have taken me for granted and at worst you have treated me like a slave!

"I have put up with a lot from you, Arthur Pendragon, but this I _will not _stand for! You owe me your life and your kingdom dozens of times over, and you _dare_ to accuse me of treason? _No one_ has sacrificed more for you or for Camelot than I have. I gave up my home, I saw my friends banished, I lost the woman I loved and the father I barely knew, I watched as my kin were murdered by your father and I risked my life for you every single day. There have been times I lay dying, for _your_ sake, and had I died you would never have known. I bore the burden of my secret, I suffered in silence, all the while hoping, _believing_, that someday you would know the truth and accept me for who I really am.

"Instead you cast judgement upon me, discarding years of friendship and ignoring everything you know about me because you are blinded by hatred and ignorance.

"I am disappointed in you, Arthur. You are no better than your father and a fool besides. You have seen what I can do – do you _really_ believe that if I wanted you dead that you would still have the breath to condemn me? You once said that you could take me apart with a single blow, and I told you I could take you apart with less than that. I was not lying. I could kill you where you stand and you would be powerless to stop me.

"You are only alive because of me, and you sit on the throne of Camelot because I put you there. I could rule if I wanted to, but I was content to be the servant to a good man.

"You say I have betrayed you? You betrayed _me, _Arthur. You betrayed the faith I had in you.

"Enjoy ruling your kingdom while you can. Only time will tell how long it will last without my aid.

Merlin turned to leave. The fury that had furled his impassioned speech faded as he began to walk away from his hopes, his dreams and his destiny.

He had thought that, when this day came, things would have turned out differently. He thought that he and Arthur were more than just master and servant. He thought that, when there were no more lies between them, they would be able to stand side by side as equals and as friends.

But after everything they had been through together, with all they had built and everything Merlin had sacrificed, it had all been for nothing. Arthur was not the man he thought he was.

And Merlin had lost everything.

Tears burned in his eyes but he did not bother to dash them away. He had nothing to hide anymore.

He let his magic open the door for him. He had lived in fear of what Uther or Arthur would do to him if his powers were discovered, but the truth was they could not hurt him. Not physically, anyway.

Arthur's rejection was a deeper wound; one that would never heal. But Merlin would survive. He always did.

"Goodbye, Arthur," he said quietly.

"Merlin, wait."

Merlin paused, one foot over the threshold. He did not turn around, nor did he say anything. But he waited.

"Merlin, I- I don't know what to say."

He shifted forward, ready to walk away and leave Camelot far behind him.

"Merlin, please. I'm – I'm sorry."

He stilled.

"Merlin, I didn't…I had no idea. I thought – but I was wrong. I never should have said those things to you."

"But you did. You have shown what is in your heart, Arthur Pendragon. Bigotry. Hatred. Mistrust."

"Regret. Merlin, I mean it. I'm sorry. I should not have been so quick to judge you. My father has conditioned me against magic, and when I saw what you did… it was a knee-jerk reaction. I was shocked and I spoke without thinking. I didn't realise just how much you have done for me, or what it must have cost you. I'm sorry."

"I am, too," Merlin said. Once more, he made to leave.

Arthur caught his arm.

Merlin spun around and his eyes flashed. Arthur yelped and withdrew his hand as though stung, but he didn't retreat. "Don't go, Merlin. Please. Give us a chance. We can talk about this. We can make this work."

"You have no idea what it would take to 'make this work', Arthur."

"Maybe I don't. But we can figure it out together. Please."

Merlin looked into blue eyes. There was no deceit or trickery there. Only sincerity.

"You mean what you say."

"Yes, I do."

Merlin nodded slowly. "Then I will give you one more chance."


End file.
